There I stood in a crowded room; people passed by, as I begin to blend into the background. I tried to join in on conversations, but my words could not convey what was going on inside. Did anyone notice me? Does anyone realize the hurt and pain inside? I feel trapped as if there is nowhere to run. Is there not anyone who can rescue me?
If the above scenario sounds familiar, then you will relate to what I’m about to tell you.
For the last two years, I’ve been battling in some dark places. I’ve had many different battles throughout my life – broken home, failing marriage, and losses of various kinds, but this battle was something else. This battle was from some place else. The battle was raging in my mind.
You see, suddenly I found myself trapped by old lies that were resurfacing. In my inner strength, I found it getting harder and harder to fight.
It didn’t take me long to realize I could not fight this battle on my own (Shoot, no!) I had to turn to a truth that was deeper than the surface turmoil that was consuming me. It was there in the dark places that I would remember who my God is..
He consumes me with his love.
As I look back on this now, I remember the nights were the worst. The only thing that would comfort me, while staring in the darkness throughout the night drenched in fear, was the sound of music playing from my K-Love station (They didn’t have the Air One station yet;). I would also sit on my closet floor cradling my Bible and reading scripture like the one below:
“If I say, “‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night, ‘” even the darkness is not dark to You; the night is bright as the day, for the darkness is as light with You.” Psalm 139: 11-12
Even as I sat there in that dark place, this verse made my heart leap. Think about it…God sees me in my darkness. The times when I feel the most alone, He is there. He suddenly becomes my enough.
He loves me
He is for me
I am chosen
He won’t leave me
He sees me
I am made complete in Him
He releases the grip of the strongholds that want to weigh me down.
My biggest stronghold is fear. I am tempted in my own devices to be afraid of the unknown. I wrote about this in a blog post called Limited Visibility, but It’s like the feeling I get when I am driving in fog. It can be paralyzing not see and know what is three ft. ahead. During that dark time in my life, I was determined not to let fear keep me trapped and stuck, and I know there are many things that can cause people to be stuck… loneliness, pride, rejection, fear, and sin. I was determined not to let my fear be bigger than my God.
He causes my heart to long for truth, when all I feel is utter despair.
In my darkest times, I felt comforted as the consuming lies were replaced with the healing touch of God’s presence; however, even in those moments there were times I didn’t (feel) the presence of God, I had to cling to the truth that He was there. This truth can be found in His word, music, encouragement of a friend, sitting in solitude (Did you know you don’t always have to have something to say? Sitting quietly in His presence is an awesome place to be).
He takes me to a higher place.
I feel like the darkness had been lifted. I am coming into a renewed revelation of who God is in my life. The truth that God is enough, even when I feel I’m at my worst. He is not looking down on me thinking “Man, how come this girl hasn’t got her mess together yet?” He sees a woman who deals with the wounds of brokenness, and a woman who clings to the truth in the messy details of her life. All the while, believing that she is a work in progress and has been made new by the blood of Christ.
He sees you, too, my sister:)
Where are you? Don’t worry your God knows. He loves you so much He sent His Son to rescue you. And, the great news is He loves you just as you are. There is no shame in needing Him every second of the day. He is in the midst:)
Jesus, I need you!
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I too have struggled with depression and darkness Denise. This is an awesome post and reminder that He can help us overcome it. God bless you. #Chasingcommunity
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Thank you for stopping by and commenting. Depression is a hard journey, but God is faithful to journey alongside us:)
Denise, such power in this vulnerable post. Thank you for sharing these words of hope and enough-ness. (Love your poetic phrase “He is my enough.” — Oh to recall that fresh in the dark times.) Thank you, friend. ((xoxo))
He is enough is a phrase I clung to during my worst moments. When we are weak, He is strong. Amen! Thanks you:)